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R. Kelly’s ‘Real Talk’ Gives Us The Impression He’s Actually A Very Clever

This is a discussion on R. Kelly’s ‘Real Talk’ Gives Us The Impression He’s Actually A Very Clever within the R. Kelly Music Chat forums, part of the R. Kelly Discussion category; Hidden Content R. Kelly’s ‘Real Talk’ Gives Us The Impression He’s Actually A Very Clever Internet Meme by MOF GIMMERS ...

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    Itzperch itzperch's Avatar
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    Default R. Kelly’s ‘Real Talk’ Gives Us The Impression He’s Actually A Very Clever

    Hidden Content

    R. Kelly’s ‘Real Talk’ Gives Us The Impression He’s Actually A Very Clever Internet Meme
    We have all seen the R’n'B opus, ‘In The Closet’ by R Kelly now. It’s an astonishing piece of work that features gay pastors and midgets and R. Kelly clearly stood at the lip of a very ugly nervous breakdown.

    Since he wrote huge hits for himself and others, he developed a free-wheeling blorting streaming of conciousness which looks for all the world like he’s making shit up as he goes along. As dreadful as it sounds, it is still an improvement on filming yourself urinating on a child and marrying another, Jerry Lee Lewis style.

    However, there’s a track he made which slipped under hecklerspray‘s radar which now pokes us in the brains and prompts us into thinking that R Kelly isn’t in fact as mad as a hedge full of talking spiders, but rather, a rather sophisticated internet meme.

    This new (to us) clip sees R Kelly, who just happens to have the cameras rolling in the studio and not set up at all, keeping it real.

    “It contains a lot of profanity… but profanity represents just how real shit gets when you’re arguing with your girl.”

    We then see R Kelly getting the cigars out and pouring himself a nice drink, which is an attempt to show us just how decadent his life is. In one respect, you can’t knock him because it’s a more attractive prospect than watching an indie band smoking roll-ups and slurping over-stewed tea. On the other hand, it makes R Kelly look like a showy prick.


    “We’re gon’ be real… I’m doin’ it for the fans around the globe who love real talk.”

    We then see R Kelly on the telephone, talking to someone while someone else does his hair. We’ve all been there right? Someone is putting your corn-rows in and you have to angrily yell:

    “I’m not about to sit up here and argue with you about who’s to blame, I call no names, real talk. See girl, only thing im trying to establish with you is not who’s right or who’s wrong, but what’s right and what’s wrong, real talk.”

    Everyone knows that, when you’re furious with someone, the word “establish” is definitely the one you’d pluck out of thin air. That, or you’d find yourself weeping in a corner, depressed at your own jealousy and ugly need to argue with people in public.

    That’s right. Throughout all this, Kelly’s band are sat behind him deep in conversation… but more on those bozos later.

    What really speaks to hecklerspray though is this universal problem:

    “Just because your friend say she saw me at a club with some other bitches sitting in VIP smoking and drinking and kicking it, tell me girl, did she say there were other guys there? Did she say there were other guys there? Were there other guys there?”

    We’ve all been there right? It seems, the best way to resolve any untrusting spouses is to respond calmly with:

    “I’ve been with you five years and you listening to your motherfucking girlfriends! I dont know why you fuck with them all jealous no man havin’ ass hoes anyway!”

    Got that?

    “Real talk”

    Then, Kelly implores us to think about our positives and share them with the aggrieved party. Tell them what you’ve done for them, to allow them to see you’re actually a very nice chap.

    “Didn’t I just give you money to go get yours hair, toes and nails done the other day, hmm? Yeah, your ass was smiling then!”

    Please note the lovely use of ‘the other day’. If you’re from Northern England, ‘the other day’ is a reference to a period in history which happened at absolutely any point in history before you uttered the phrase ‘the other day’. See also ‘t’other week’. It’s also worth pointing out the talents of the girl in question. Kelly reveals the reason he fell for her in the first place as he tells us about how she’s actually able to make her colon grin. Amazing stuff.

    “Real talk”

    Kells then shows us how to react when your girl rings your parent’s house.

    “You call my mommas house and what? Girl, my momma ain’t gotta screen no calls for me”

    Again, in the heat of the moment, the words you’re likely to reach out and grab are ‘screening calls’ as opposed to indignantly yelling “Why are you ringing my mum? Why didn’t you ring me? We should talk about this like adults. Real talk.’

    “Real talk and watch your mouth”

    However, it probably isn’t a great idea to serve up this volley of abuse.

    “Fuck me? Girl fuck you! You ain’t gotta worry about me no more and the next time your ass get horny, go fuck one of your funky ass friends! Hell yeah, you probably doing that shit anyway!”

    This use of ‘funky’ probably refers to someone who is stinking up the place with body odour, rather than, say, them dressing like Bootsy Collins and being a really good dancer. Either way, the closing shot of ‘I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?’ never helped an argument flow smooth.

    Then, things get a little surreal.

    “You gonna burn what? Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clooooooothes, with your triflin’ ass, Milton, you bogus girl, Milton!”

    Quite why R Kelly wants this lady to burn his clothes is something of a mystery. The delivery in the song suggests he was going to say something else, but alas, thought better of it. And Milton? It’s clear he’s referring to John Milton, the English poet, who is best known for his epic ‘Paradise Lost’.

    Milton wrote a treatise condemning censorship called Areopagitica, which is utilised fully by R Kelly and his potty mouth. It’s a neat link to that Milton was considered to be one of the preeminent writers in the English language and as a thinker of world importance.

    Just like R Kelly.

    Real talk.

    Now watch the video and tell us that this is part of some huge, expensive and sophisticated meme. The ‘fight’ at the close of the video is R Kelly letting us in on the joke because there’s absolutely no chance at all that he watched that back and thought ‘Shit is real’.


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    Koki ntokie's Avatar
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    This is the thing that annoyes me about these haters who call themselves critics, how can you call something that has been out for more than 3 years new to you? You are to lazy to listen to the man's music yet you want to form judgements about his musical abilities, I bet they didn't even listen to the whole of Happy People and Chocolate factory albums. Its like wanting to comment about Radiohead's music and yet I havent heard a full of theirs, how stupid can people get?

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